On bad days, I feel like I have totally abandoned him, leaving him behind as he gets sicker. How could I do such a horrible thing? On "good" days, I realize he drove me away and that there was no way I could stay . . . but there is still sadness. All of this hit me (again) today on the way home from work, and the tears started. I only "allow" myself to cry a little, as I'm afraid if I really let myself go, I may not be able to stop. I wanted so badly for our marriage to work.
The day I left for good, I had stopped the car and asked him to fasten his seat belt so that the car warning beeper would quit going off. He accused me of slamming on the brakes, and making him drop his cell phone. He could not/would not stop screaming and using the "f" word, although I asked him to stop several times. He also told me I somehow "planned it," as I did not want him to go with me to my brother's anyway. This was not true, as I was actually looking forward to what I thought might be a good time with hubby . . . at that point, there were so few good times. When he said, "Well, either get going, or take me back home," I turned around and took him back home, as we had just left. Angered that I actually called him on his bluff, he refused to get out of (my) car, so I left him sitting there, still spouting off and swearing. When he finally came in the house, he still wasn't done with me, still insisting that I never wanted him to go anyway. By this time, his rage had escalated, and of course there were more "f bombs" directed my way. I tried several times to explain, and calm him, but could not fit in a word edgewise. When he raged at me that "One of us needs to move out," I calmly replied, "That can be arranged."
I walked out the door with my purse and the clothes on my back, thinking our motor home was in storage, and I could go pick it up and live in it if I had to. I knew I was not coming back, except to get my things. I lived in the motor home in my brother's back yard for 5 months, while working on making the upstairs in my father's home livable so I could move in there.
That was a little over 9 months ago. The above scenario had been played out so many times in our household. I knew that if I continued to stay, I would lose the last bit of whatever I had left that was "me." It still hurts . . . but I know I can't go back.
On bad days, I still feel broken. On better days, I know I will survive. It is a long, painful process . . .
Oh, Lilly.
ReplyDeletemy heart is breaking for you.
It is so difficult to do the "right" thing
and there just is no right answer
you need to do the best thing for you
When I read your blogs, it sounds to me like you were truly abused
does that help you now?
that doesn't mean he was never a good person
it may be that his disease has eaten away at his system so much that he no longer can find the good part of him
it is important that you take care of yourself now
It is wonderful that you have family nearby that is supportive
it doesn't help in the dark moments,
but at least you have a safe place to be
If I could share anything with you
it would be that I have faith in your judgement
and you did what you needed to do
he created a situation that could not continue
and he needs to deal with the consequences
stay strong
Tom's Wife,
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you for your support. It is much needed right now. He was never "all bad" all the time. There are still times when I see the good in him shine through, and that is what sometimes makes it so hard. But I also know there is no going back. I will not be abused anymore . . .
Thanks again,
Lilly
I know I was not married as long as you, but understand the feeling. I have to ask. Do you ever still think about his weak moments (the lows) and find yourself still cry. It's only been a few months but I still have flash backs to his lows and it still drives me crazy. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, memories of his lows don't make me cry. I just remember how angry, sad, helpless, and hopeless they made/make me feel. There is nothing you can do to make anything better in the midst of that rage. And remember, not all of my hubby's rages are because of messed-up blood sugars.
ReplyDeleteAs for flash-backs, I know exactly what you are talking about, but I experienced it with my previous (2nd) husband. He was NOT diabetic, but got physically abusive as well, and even threatened to kill me. (THAT was when I left with my son and went into hiding for awhile!) He also stalked me after we split up. I now know that I suffered from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) after THAT wonderful, very short marriage. Also horrible nightmares for many years, where I was always terrified, and trying to escape him. The nightmares finally quit after I was able to tell him (so to speak) where to get off in one of my dreams.
Good Lord, as I read this, I really do wonder what is wrong with me! I need to either seek out more sane, positive men in my life, or just remain "manless . . ."