Some People Will Judge . . . But Thankfully, Not All!

Boop82 made a comment on my last post about people judging.  Sadly, I have found this is sometimes true.  It even happened with some mutual friends who regularly witnessed hubby's poor treatment and aggression towards me, but still took his side when push came to shove . . . even though they had promised they wouldn't take sides.  They had known him longer, so I guess that made a difference to them.  Go figure.  In the long run, although their coldness and rejection really hurt at first, I decided I didn't need people like that in my life anyway.  Why hang onto friends who really aren't friends?  As much as possible, I have opted to surround myself and stay in touch with people who truly still care about me.  I am not up to being anyone's emotional punching bag any longer.

Something pretty amazing happened last night when I was out to dinner with friends.  I ran into hubby's elderly aunt and uncle, who I have always loved dearly.  The first thing they both did was give me a great big hug and "I love you's," and asked me when I was going to come see them.  I almost cried right there.  They also made the statement to me that "You did what you had to do."  They could not have given me a more precious gift.  I will be paying them a visit soon, and I know they will not heap guilt on me.  To date, this is the third time that one or more of his family members have actively sought to spend time with me since the break-up.  I know that they "get it," and still want to stay in touch.   To me, that is absolutely priceless.

Finding My Own Self-Worth

My apologies to any male readers out there, but a friend sent me this the other day, and I love it . . . and do remember, a man said it!  And I have to admit, it really speaks to my situation right now.

I have been struggling lately with not being part of "a couple," as so much of the world still seems to revolve around having a partner.  After a period of feeling even more "broken" because I am now (sort of) single, I have decided that I really need to be comfortable with myself before I try to include a significant other in my life . . . especially since I am still officially married, though separated.  Also, I have many friends that still want me around, which is a huge blessing.  So . . . perhaps I'm not really broken, but instead am just an independent woman exploring new facets of myself.  How can there be anything wrong with that?

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was actually okay for me today.  I hadn't expected that!  However, thinking over the past few years, I realize it has been a day of mixed emotions for me for quite awhile. 

For the past 10 years since the kidney transplant, hubby would send me a HUGE bouquet of flowers at work.  In the beginning, it was a wonderful surprise, but as the years passed, it became something else . . . the flowers would always be accompanied with a beautiful card declaring his undying love.  The past few years, I didn't know whether to actually feel loved, or angry, or guilty because I couldn't reciprocate those feelings anymore.  What I really wanted wasn't a $100 bouquet of flowers and a mushy note, but a guarantee that I would consistently be treated well.  Without that, the flowers (and cards throughout the year), began to mean very little to me.  In fact, sometimes they just made me angry.  I felt that it was one more way he continued to live in denial: equating buying me things with love.

So, today was really more than okay.  I didn't have to feel guilty or angry!  What a relief.  :-)

Regaining Pieces of My Soul

I am the child of 2 packrats, more popularly known in this day and age as hoarders.  Because of this, I constantly fight having too much "stuff," as I do not want to continue their legacy.  This is also why it took me so long to carve out a niche for myself in my childhood home, as it was FULL to the brim of everything imaginable.  After hauling out countless bags and boxes of what should have been considered trash long ago, the upstairs of the old family homestead is still not properly cleared out.  Thus, for now I have "settled" for 2 rooms and a (finally working!) bathroom.  The rest will be an ongoing process, at least for awhile! 

I just recently figured out that I have room for 2 of my bookcases, and at least some of my crafting items.  I am now working on a spot for my numerous rubber art stamps, etc., and was actually able to go to the storage unit today to retrieve the ones I wanted the most.  I can't believe how much happier I feel!  Being creative has always made me feel better.  NOT being able to exercise that part of me has just added to my sadness of late.  So . . . I am clearing, tossing, and making room for the things that are most important to me right now. 

Next, I will be working on the area where I want to put my bookcases, as almost all my books are in storage as well.  Did I mention that I also love to read?  I have weeded out and gotten rid of several boxes of books, but I still have an extensive library that I have missed.  Time to regain some of it, and also weed out further, because after all . . . I do NOT want to fill up the old house with "stuff" like my parents did!

Maybe it's silly, but getting some of my things back in place makes me feel as if I am regaining my soul, or at least starting to get back the part of me that has been so devastated for so long.  I can hardly wait to get these things in place! :-)

Cheers,

Lilly 

Struggling With Conflicting Feelings

On bad days, I feel like I have totally abandoned him, leaving him behind as he gets sicker.  How could I do such a horrible thing?  On "good" days, I realize he drove me away and that there was no way I could stay . . . but there is still sadness.  All of this hit me (again) today on the way home from work, and the tears started.  I only "allow" myself to cry a little, as I'm afraid if I really let myself go, I may not be able to stop.  I wanted so badly for our marriage to work. 

The day I left for good, I had stopped the car and asked him to fasten his seat belt so that the car warning beeper would quit going off.  He accused me of slamming on the brakes, and making him drop his cell phone.  He could not/would not stop screaming and using the "f" word, although I asked him to stop several times.  He also told me I somehow "planned it," as I did not want him to go with me to my brother's anyway.  This was not true, as I was actually looking forward to what I thought might be a good time with hubby . . . at that point, there were so few good times.  When he said, "Well, either get going, or take me back home," I turned around and took him back home, as we had just left.  Angered that I actually called him on his bluff, he refused to get out of (my) car, so I left him sitting there, still spouting off and swearing.  When he finally came in the house, he still wasn't done with me, still insisting that I never wanted him to go anyway.  By this time, his rage had escalated, and of course there were more "f bombs" directed my way.  I tried several times to explain, and calm him, but could not fit in a word edgewise.  When he raged at me that "One of us needs to move out," I calmly replied, "That can be arranged." 

I walked out the door with my purse and the clothes on my back, thinking our motor home was in storage, and I could go pick it up and live in it if I had to.  I knew I was not coming back, except to get my things.  I lived in the motor home in my brother's back yard for 5 months, while working on making the upstairs in my father's home livable so I could move in there. 

That was a little over 9 months ago.  The above scenario had been played out so many times in our household.  I knew that if I continued to stay, I would lose the last bit of whatever I had left that was "me."  It still hurts . . . but I know I can't go back.

On bad days, I still feel broken.  On better days, I know I will survive.  It is a long, painful process . . .