Response to Tom's Wife

Tom's Wife wrote:

tomswifeMarch 21, 2013 at 5:52 PM

Oh, Lilly
I know that feeling
I have a clear memory of a time when I came to this realization with Tom
fortunately for me Tom mostly came back
not like your husband
No, he is not the man I fell in love with
but I'm not the woman he fell in love with either

I think at some point in time we have to come face to face with this reality of life
we lose the people we love in so many ways
Tom to his disease
my old happy self to the hard knocks of life
my dad to old age, cancer, and death

I'm struggling to go on
but we do
because we are strong
and we learn

your seeds and trees will grow
spring is almost here.....

Tom's Wife,

I know that we all change, and certainly I have in myriad ways, just trying to survive through this experience.  I used to sincerely believe that some people could live happily ever after.  Now I seriously question that, even if they work hard at it.  I don't even know if I really believe in true love anymore.  I'm not happy that I feel that way.  In some ways, it makes me feel broken beyond repair.  I would like to be able to love and trust again, but don't know if I will ever be able to.  I know what I DON'T want in a man, but don't really know what I WOULD want at this point!

The sad part of all of this is that I did not leave my husband because he was physically sick.  I could have dealt with that.  I left because of all the negativity, emotional abuse, and (maybe?) mental illness that I just was not equipped to deal with anymore.   And honestly, where does the physical end, and the emotional part take over?  Or does it?

Yesterday, I went with him to pick up the motor home from being repaired, as it now needs to be sold.  I accompanied him with many reservations, and told him up front that he would NOT be yelling and screaming at me.  Even though I served him notice with this, he still would not promise me that it would not happen, saying that he could not control what his blood sugars did!  Although he had a very high blood sugar before we got back, he managed to keep it under control verbally.  That tells me that he can "do it" when he chooses to.  Had he done this all along, I would still be there.