Still waiting for the divorce to be finalized. In the meantime, I have had way too much time to think.
When I gave him my kidney almost 11 years ago, it was because I wanted to keep him forever. I never in a million years thought "we" would come to where we are now. I still love the man he was . . . but I don't know where that man is anymore. I so miss that person. Sometimes, I see him for a few moments on the rare occasions when we communicate, but I know from past experience that the "old him" is almost like a mirage: when you get up close, it isn't really there. There are times when it seems impossible to me that we are almost divorced now, and it devastates me. Yet I want to be free, to live my own life and begin anew, wherever that may lead me.
In the meantime, I am slowly regaining my "old self." This past week, I planted garden seeds inside, and ordered fruit trees to put in the ground. Like the seeds and trees, I am slowly coming to life . . . and growing (hopefully in a positive way!)
Oh, Lilly
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling
I have a clear memory of a time when I came to this realization with Tom
fortunately for me Tom mostly came back
not like your husband
No, he is not the man I fell in love with
but I'm not the woman he fell in love with either
I think at some point in time we have to come face to face with this reality of life
we lose the people we love in so many ways
Tom to his disease
my old happy self to the hard knocks of life
my dad to old age, cancer, and death
I'm struggling to go on
but we do
because we are strong
and we learn
your seeds and trees will grow
spring is almost here.....
i wish you peace