Getting Back Pieces of My Life

Since my ex's death,  I have been back twice to my former home to retrieve a few things, with his family's blessings.  They were either things I left for him to use when I moved out almost 6 years ago, or (in some cases) things that were mine, but that he wouldn't let me have.  It has been rather healing for me to retrieve some of these things, as I lost my former home and many other things in it when we split.  I signed off on our house at the time, because I didn't want him to lose it . . . although I did.  Next to making the decision to separate from a disabled spouse, I think losing my home was the next hardest thing.

The house is going to be sold, along with what remains of the contents.  It is very odd to walk into a place where you lived for so long, and realize it isn't yours anymore.  However, I can finally say that it no longer feels like my home anymore, which I guess is a very good thing.

Life Goes On . . . and It is Good

The death of my ex spouse has shaken me to my core. It stirred up so many memories for me all over again, both good and bad. I sincerely hope he is finally at peace now. It was always very complicated!

However, I have thought about my life a lot since my post 2 days ago. Although I hurt so much I thought I couldn't go on living when our marriage ended (and I drank a lot for awhile, at least for me!), life HAS continued, and it has gotten better.

For the past few years, I have had a (boyfriend? significant other? partner?). He is very good to me, and has never "gone ballistic" on me, ever. He has his place, I have mine . . . and I like it that way. We have fun together. I don't want another husband or a full-time live-in. It feels much safer to me to keep it that way.

My old farmhouse still needs a lot of TLC, but it is taking shape. My mother's flower gardens are still being refurbished and added to, and the flowers give me a lot of joy. I have now added some fruit trees and bushes to the extensive yard, and am eagerly awaiting for them to bear cherries and berries. My elderly dad is still here, but we each have our own floor of the same house, which gives each of us our much-needed space . . . yet I still can help him when needed.

I have gained many new friends, several of whom love to dance as much as I do. That's how I met my special guy, as he became my dance partner. Our group of friends goes out almost every weekend to wherever the live music is, and dance away . . . and it is wonderful!

So . . . I am less broken than I was, and that is a very good thing!

Sadness . . .

It has been a very long time since I posted here. A lot of the reasons for that are painful reminders, as a big part of me never forgave myself for leaving my diabetic hubby . . . even though I really, really knew I couldn't stay. Despite a divorce, I still loved the man I married, even if he wasn't "there" anymore, even after almost 6 years.

My ex-husband died last month . . . alone, in his own bed, (hopefully) peacefully. Thankfully, he was found that evening. I was called by his family right away, as they all understood.

I have cried a lot the past several weeks, as so much has been dredged up all over again. I still remember the good times as well as the bad. I feel I lost him 3 times: to diabetes/rage/mental illness, again when I had to leave, and finally now. I didn't realize it could still hurt this much, all over again . . .

A Little Reminder

As I sift through my papers, etc. that got haphazardly moved from my old home, I periodically come across "gems" such as the following. I wrote this verbatim in September of 2011, 7 months before I left.

I feel:

angry
EXHAUSTED
depressed
ANGRY
sad
betrayed
incredulous
disappointed
protective
helpless
threatened
disillusioned
LOST
unbelieving
deflated
ATTACKED
devastated
untrusting
duped
repayment?
hate
emotionally raped

I don't even recall what happened to make me write this, as I did not record it in my "wife of a diabetic" blog. Sometimes, things were just too painful to even post. I do know that I frequently felt the need to jot things like this down . . . if nothing else, to validate my feelings, as hubby certainly wasn't going to! It also on some level helped me to know I wasn't nuts, as did the blog. Anyway, running across these snippets of my former life is a good thing. It reminds me of where I've been, and of the need to keep moving forward, with no regrets. Here's to much better days!

Missing My Gardens . . . But Still Finding Solace

I am in the final stages of getting the rest of my things out of my former house.  Some "things" I came back home with in the last few weeks are some daffodil bulbs, some peonies, irises, and a small sprout from a beautiful lilac bush that is now taller than I am.  I planted all these things during our marriage, and I hate leaving the majority of them there, but . . . I don't want to lay waste to the gardens I am leaving behind, although I know they are growing up in weeds.  Besides, my gardens are (were) so extensive that it would be more work than I want to think about right now to move everything.  So, I am taking small pieces of my most-loved flowers to start anew.  At the same time, I am finding solace in cleaning out my mother's old long-neglected flower beds, and adding my things in with hers.  I almost feel like Mary in the Secret Garden every time I discover something new making its way out of the soil. 

Now . . . if I could just find someone else besides me to mow the lawn.  That was at least one thing hubby did do!  I guess I miss that, too.  :-)

So Many Choices

Photo and musings by Lilly:

 

I am at the center of a multi-spoked wheel.

My inner fire burns brightly, surrounding me with pure white light.

There are many spokes (roads) to explore.

Some will be perilous,

some will be frightening,

and some will be more amazing than anything I can imagine . . .

Good night, all.  Sweet dreams.  :-)

Positive Outlooks

I came across this on  http://positiveoutlooksblog.com/ 
I have really enjoyed this website, and it is much needed right now.

 

Made me think about all the times that he blamed me for his negative behavior.  I am also thinking I need to take the above statement to heart, and make a point to remember that it is not always ME who has the problem.  I have been collecting positive self-affirmation statements more and more lately.  It helps!  I will be including some of them into an altered book I am working on.

Hope everyone had a good Easter . . .