Since my ex's death, I have been back twice to my former home to retrieve a few things, with his family's blessings. They were either things I left for him to use when I moved out almost 6 years ago, or (in some cases) things that were mine, but that he wouldn't let me have. It has been rather healing for me to retrieve some of these things, as I lost my former home and many other things in it when we split. I signed off on our house at the time, because I didn't want him to lose it . . . although I did. Next to making the decision to separate from a disabled spouse, I think losing my home was the next hardest thing.
The house is going to be sold, along with what remains of the contents. It is very odd to walk into a place where you lived for so long, and realize it isn't yours anymore. However, I can finally say that it no longer feels like my home anymore, which I guess is a very good thing.
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Life Goes On . . . and It is Good
The death of my ex spouse has shaken me to my core. It stirred up so many memories for me all over again, both good and bad. I sincerely hope he is finally at peace now. It was always very complicated!
However, I have thought about my life a lot since my post 2 days ago. Although I hurt so much I thought I couldn't go on living when our marriage ended (and I drank a lot for awhile, at least for me!), life HAS continued, and it has gotten better.
For the past few years, I have had a (boyfriend? significant other? partner?). He is very good to me, and has never "gone ballistic" on me, ever. He has his place, I have mine . . . and I like it that way. We have fun together. I don't want another husband or a full-time live-in. It feels much safer to me to keep it that way.
My old farmhouse still needs a lot of TLC, but it is taking shape. My mother's flower gardens are still being refurbished and added to, and the flowers give me a lot of joy. I have now added some fruit trees and bushes to the extensive yard, and am eagerly awaiting for them to bear cherries and berries. My elderly dad is still here, but we each have our own floor of the same house, which gives each of us our much-needed space . . . yet I still can help him when needed.
I have gained many new friends, several of whom love to dance as much as I do. That's how I met my special guy, as he became my dance partner. Our group of friends goes out almost every weekend to wherever the live music is, and dance away . . . and it is wonderful!
So . . . I am less broken than I was, and that is a very good thing!
However, I have thought about my life a lot since my post 2 days ago. Although I hurt so much I thought I couldn't go on living when our marriage ended (and I drank a lot for awhile, at least for me!), life HAS continued, and it has gotten better.
For the past few years, I have had a (boyfriend? significant other? partner?). He is very good to me, and has never "gone ballistic" on me, ever. He has his place, I have mine . . . and I like it that way. We have fun together. I don't want another husband or a full-time live-in. It feels much safer to me to keep it that way.
My old farmhouse still needs a lot of TLC, but it is taking shape. My mother's flower gardens are still being refurbished and added to, and the flowers give me a lot of joy. I have now added some fruit trees and bushes to the extensive yard, and am eagerly awaiting for them to bear cherries and berries. My elderly dad is still here, but we each have our own floor of the same house, which gives each of us our much-needed space . . . yet I still can help him when needed.
I have gained many new friends, several of whom love to dance as much as I do. That's how I met my special guy, as he became my dance partner. Our group of friends goes out almost every weekend to wherever the live music is, and dance away . . . and it is wonderful!
So . . . I am less broken than I was, and that is a very good thing!
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Sadness . . .
It has been a very long time since I posted here. A lot of the reasons for that are painful reminders, as a big part of me never forgave myself for leaving my diabetic hubby . . . even though I really, really knew I couldn't stay. Despite a divorce, I still loved the man I married, even if he wasn't "there" anymore, even after almost 6 years.
My ex-husband died last month . . . alone, in his own bed, (hopefully) peacefully. Thankfully, he was found that evening. I was called by his family right away, as they all understood.
I have cried a lot the past several weeks, as so much has been dredged up all over again. I still remember the good times as well as the bad. I feel I lost him 3 times: to diabetes/rage/mental illness, again when I had to leave, and finally now. I didn't realize it could still hurt this much, all over again . . .
My ex-husband died last month . . . alone, in his own bed, (hopefully) peacefully. Thankfully, he was found that evening. I was called by his family right away, as they all understood.
I have cried a lot the past several weeks, as so much has been dredged up all over again. I still remember the good times as well as the bad. I feel I lost him 3 times: to diabetes/rage/mental illness, again when I had to leave, and finally now. I didn't realize it could still hurt this much, all over again . . .
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